Don’t!


No!!
I don’t want to believe this shit!!!
What the fuck?!
Why HER?!

Please don’t!!
DON’T!!!!
… .
Just don’t take HER away from me,
she is all I’ve got!

Why?!
Oh god, why??
I don’t want to believe this shit!

Let it be me instead!
Please!!!!
Don’t take her away from me,
she’s all I’ve got!

Please, don’t!!

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Categories: PoetryTags: , , , ,

36 comments

  1. I’m sorry 😦 no words can comfort in time of grief

    Like

    • Thanks Lulu. It’s no time of grief, it’s a time of opportunity and hope actually. I have to be optimistic and strong right now, it’s the best way to deal with this shitty situation. My mom got diagnosed with breast cancer yesterday.. it’s just argh!! I don’t even have the words for this and for how I’m feeling right now. I’m completely lost, I feel sad, angry, alone, scared and worst of it all: helpless!! I wish there was someone here right now I could borrow a hug from.. I could really use it.

      Liked by 2 people

      • I’m so sorry to hear this. I remember the helplessness. My thoughts are with you.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Thank you so much kayuk! I greatly appreciate it! Best wishes to you. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      • It’s a bit late, and it’s virtual, but even virtual hugs help me, so here are a few for you. Because, no matter how strong you want to be for her, your strength will be tested and you will need friends and comfort to recharge your batteries.
        OOXOO

        Like

      • It is never too late for a hug, so THANK YOU dear Dawn! I’m welcoming your hugs with open arms! 🙂

        I think so, too. There are tough times ahead and I’m sure there will be a moment I need to take a break from being strong for everyone in my family (because sadly I am the only one who is strong and doesn’t cry all the time or has any doubts or whatsoever). Of course my mom is strong, but naturally she also has her tear-filled moments.
        I hope that the fall for me won’t be too hard, when I eventually break down. I’m not going to sugarcoat it, walking around with a brave face and and obtaining an optimistic attitude IS exhausting. I really have a great group of friends around me, however I am not that kind of person who wants to make a big deal out of the situation, I don’t want the attention. And I always have the need to not burden my friends with anything too heavy, because I quickly feel like I’m annoying them when I talk too much about a problem, especially this situation. I hardly ever bring it up, I know they know. So, do I want to talk about it sometimes? Yes, but I don’t want to be annoying or ruin the mood for everyone.. Sure, when someone asks me about how my mom is doing, I tell them what’s new. But honestly I mostly hide behind my brave face and always tell everyone that I know, that everything will be fine. Don’t get me wrong, I am positive and optimistic about my moms recovery, but still… there are moments when I can’t suppress the scary thoughts. Of course I am a little scared..
        Anyways, thank you for the hugs! I appreciate every hug I get with all my heart (even virtual ones). 🙂

        Like

      • Alright, here it seems like it’s time for me to bring out my years, my experience. I didn’t have to deal personnally with cancer. Not in someone as close.
        But I know all too well about the mask, the happy, smiling face that you put on to not burden your friends.
        Well, guess what: that mask becomes heavy real fast. So my advice is, if you want to stay strong over the long run, because that’s what you will need to do, please find a small group of friends who you acn tell everything, who understand that, most of the time you don’t want to talk about it, but who should be ready to listen to you when you feel the need. Make sure you have that understanding that you don’t want them to commiserate all the time, you want to be able to keep having fun with them as usual, because you also need to have that outlet sometimes that you can escape to and forget about the worries.

        But, having been on your side of the fence (I don’t want to burden my friends) and the other side of the fence (I want to help my friend), I want to tell you this: maybe helping you is the only way your friends will feel like they have any value in your life. Not letting them help you in your time of need means that they won’t dare turn to you, burden you in their own times of need. I *need* to feel like I am helpful to my friends when I know they’re going through a rough patch. So don’t feel bad about burdening them. Unless you feel bad when they turn to you.
        Because not turning to them can make them feel like you don’t trust them, or that they are not important in your life. Just a thought 😉

        I would suggest that, when you are a little scared, (or a lot!), you turn to those most trusted friends. Or to us 😉

        Good luck to you and your mom. You are a very wise young man. I am happy that you found my blog, so that I could come across you.

        BTW, I’d love to hear how you found my blog, if you would like to share… dawnsnights@gmail.com

        Liked by 1 person

      • Oh wow! I am speechless. You took so much time to offer me your advice?! I have a hard time right now, to find the right words to describe to you how much your support means to me and how incredibly grateful I am for a “comment”/advice like this!

        You opened my eyes a bit wider and you are absolutely right, the brave face gets heavy real fast. So, today I already took your advice by heart and sat down with some friends and I must say, it felt good just to vent it all out.. especially the past few weeks and how it felt being back home for the holidays. I told them, I don’t want their pity, I just want them to listen, so they did. They don*t really have to say anything or try to help, just listening is enough for me.
        So yes, you are absolutely right. I have never thought of it this way before. Of course my friends are important to me and have meaning in my life, so by allowing them to be there for me, by letting them in, I’m showing them, that I care for them enough to trust them with this. This thought hasn’t even occured to me once… So, thank you for pointing this out to me. It was needed.

        Of course! I will do both, afterall writing is also a great outlet for me. I’m constantly writing down “stuff”, but I only post things, that have a great deal of meaning to me. I’m so glad, that I’ve had the courage to create this blog, to pour my heart out here, to reveal my inner self. I am quite the sporatic blogger, but I try to post a little more regularly.. it’s not as easy, if you only want to post the meaningful stuff, a piece of writing has to feel right to me in order to post it, it has to have some kind of value to me. (I kind of went off topic here.. oops!)

        Thank you dear Dawn. This really means a lot to me. I’m glad we’ve met. Looking forward to hear and see much more from you. 🙂

        PS: I’ll be sending you an email in the next few days.. the upcoming finals kind of keep me busy at the moment.

        Have a wonderful week!

        Like

      • Hey, don’t be speechless 😉
        That’s why we come here, to read your words 🙂

        I am glad that the ramblings of a middle aged woman could somehow help a young soul. I am glad that you had this talk with your friends. And that I could offer you a point of view that you hadn’t considered yet.

        Don’t worry about the email, my inbox isn’t going anywhere. Take care of your finals, that’s much more important!
        Good night young man, and enjoy your week of studying.
        XO

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh my. Are you ok? Did something really bad happen?

    Like

    • Hey Staci, your concern with me is really touching. Thank you! There are things much much worse happening in the world, but my mom got diagnosed with breast cancer yesterday..
      I’m ok I guess. I just feel confused and alone, there are too many emotions boiling up inside.. Right after her phone call, I was shaking and in complete denial. I think I still kind of am, I feel like I haven’t completely realized and processed these news. I’m scared. I’m scared to realize the fact that my mom is sick.

      Liked by 2 people

      • Oh my goodness. I feel for you. You are not alone. I will be thinking about you and your mom, and praying for you both. For her to be healed and strengthened, and for you to have the grace and strength to endure all that is ahead. Please do keep me updated, because I’m sure this is so touch for you.
        Do you know what stage she’s at? Can she treat it?

        Liked by 1 person

      • Thank you my dear Staci! I’m really grateful, that you’re including both my mom and me in your prayers. It means a lot to me, it really does.
        Yes, yesterday was a shock. Out of the blue. I was quite overwhelmed and I coulnd’t sleep at all.. So I used the time I had to think and to think and to think. I came to realize, that it’s of no use at all to dwell in sadness or even to wallow in self-pity. No, you just have to look straight forward and walk towards the light at the end of the tunnel! And that’s exactly what I’m going to do!
        At this point I don’t know what stage she is at, but I know that it can be treated. We’re waiting for a lot of results right now, after that we’ll know which way to go. Unfortunately both ways include chemo, tough times ahead, but I have no doubt, that she’ll get trough them. I’ll keep in touch, of course!

        Liked by 1 person

      • Ohhhh, thank you so much for sharing with me. I’m glad that it can be treated, although I know that there is a battle ahead. News like this is never easy to hear. No one is ever really prepared for it. It’s a huge shock at first, full of emotions.
        I’m so glad you will keep in touch. I will be praying ok. You can count on me.
        🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Damn… I’m so, so sorry… 😦
    Be strong. Your mother doesn’t need your tears… She mustn’t see them.
    Your mother needs son’s love and his strong shoulder!

    Liked by 1 person

    • You probably can’t even imagine how much I’ve appreciated your comment! It helped me a lot, of course after getting news like that you feel completely overwhelmed and lost. I haven’t gotten much sleep this past night, so I sat down and sorted out all of my thoughts, I started to write them down. I started to get busy actually. I made a list of things I can not lose track of, despite this shitty situation. After that was done I began to outline the course of the year ahead of us.. Made a list of things I want to get done in time, so I can be there during most of the chemo. So, I spent the entire night and parts of today making all kinds of lists and plans and whatsoever.
      So, even though I don’t really know right now, where I was going with this answer I simply want to thank you and to tell you, that you are absolutely right! My mother won’t ever see a tear from me over this, but she will however see my strength, my optimism, my faith and my support! She’s a fighter, she will get through it all. If not on her own, I will be strong enough for the two of us!!

      Liked by 2 people

  4. Reblogged this on unbolt and commented:
    Fuck… sometimes all what we can do is a shout ‘Don’t!’
    I’m so sorry, buddy.
    Be strong.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. ***hugging*** prospermind… I’m sorry to hear about your mom. Always be positive…

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Positive thoughts and positive attitude will give your Mom strength for a positive outcome.
    My best friends Mom battled lung cancer, first one lung, then the other (she’s much older than your Mom). With the support of family and friends she battled the dam disease. Fought tirelessly and when she had no strength left, she fought for her family. Their love and unwavering strength was the driving force. She battled and won. A new lung and a new lease on life. She’s 2yrs in remission. I wrote a poem for my friend which describes their journey and I’ll share with you.
    Humbled

    A large influence, character; proud
    A loving, nurturing heart
    She is MOTHER!
    Always there, sharing, caring and giving
    Now fighting
    Peacefully, like her nature
    Fighting for life
    But mostly, fighting for us
    She can’t watch our suffering, our helplessness
    How humbling is that???
    FOR US
    She fights, with our support
    Together we wage war on a vicious killer
    She stands, she fights, with her army
    FAMILY!!!
    My thoughts, prayers and support (hugs too) are with you, your Mom and your loved ones.

    Liked by 1 person

    • My dear Lulu,
      your poem is simply wonderful! I love every word of it. This poem radiates so much positiveness and strength, it’s very encouraging. Thank you so much for sharing this with me, and thank you for including my family in your prayers. It means a lot.

      Like

  7. What strikes me most about this poem is how heavy and real it feels. Immediately I had memories of my fathers death flooding my body. Then I read the comments and it made sense. Breast cancer isn’t a death sentence and there have been many instances where it is treatable. Let’s all put our energy into thoughts like that…. A hard time ahead but one that will be overcome. Sending you a virtual hug.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I wrote this two hours after getting the news this week.. the words just kept pouring out of me, I couldn’t stop them, even if I wanted to..
      It touches my heart, that you could relate to this poem in such an intense way. And I’m so sorry for your loss Joni.
      Breast Cancer isn’t a death sentence. Yes, I have realized that now.. I guess I just had to let this kind of news sink in first and relieve my mind a bit, in order to see things more clearly.
      THANK YOU so much for your positive vibes and for the hug Joni. I’m so grateful. 🙂

      Like

  8. I found that, when I really needed to let it out, driving on a stretch of quiet road was good. I could scream, cry, beat on the steering wheel and no one saw or heard but me. At night or in the rain was best. Totally isolated, free to open up and spew out the pain. Then I could be my usual happy, outgoing self to the rest of the world for another few days.

    Find something that works for you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Wow! I really appreciate your concern and you sharing this! It mean a lot to me!
      For me music works, whenever I need to let it all out, when all the emotions don’t fit in any more, I sing my heart out! I escape into the world of music, it’s my very own special happy place!
      Oh, and I also like to go for a drive at times. I sing and shout while driving that always helps me when I’m frustrated.

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Everyone needs a valve so whatever works for you is good.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. This makes me just so sad.
    I am a cancer survivor myself since 2011 and I have a twin brother who was the best person who helped me throughout the whole thing. He did not do much if not stand by my side without crying and saying nothing and treating me the same way he always did, whilst the whole world around me changed.
    After some years he defeated cancer, he told me he hoped it was him who got cancer during the whole time, whilst I was happy it was me.

    If I can suggest don’t let her see you are suffering. That is what kills the most. Good luck and a hug! And people can do it! 😉

    Liked by 2 people

    • First off: I apologize for my belated reply. Life didn’t allow me any time for WP these past days..
      THANK YOU!!! Thank you so much for this! I greatly appreciate your words, they comfort me.
      Yes, what your twin brother did was the right thing to do. Yesterday, my mom called me. She couldn’t even finish saying hello, she just started crying on the phone out of the blue. I just listened, I told her it’s okay to cry. Told her to let it all out. I didn’t exactly knew how to comfort her, so I told her about my day. I just started talking like there was no tomorrow. And you know what? It worked! We ended up talking for 3 hours, well most of the time I talked about anything and by the end of the phone call the only tears she had on her face were tears of laughter!
      One thing really bums me out: Life here at the university keeps me busy with exams and classes all day. I haven’t been home since christmas, I haven’t seen her for so long… I want to go home so badly, but I simply can’t leave for at least another few weeks.. I’ve never told her that I wanted to come home so badly, I only told her that my exams are keeping me busy. However I think she knows that I want to come home, I don’t necessarily have to say it.

      And you’re right. I don’t let her see me suffering. I’ve managed only to show her pure strength and optimism, I can see how good that feels for her. I’ve never told her about the panic attacks, which I’m getting for almost two months now. When your head won’t shut up and you have stress everywhere you look, it’s hard to calm down and just go to sleep. But, though slowly, it’s getting better.

      A BIG FAT THANK YOU BUDDY!
      Yes, people can do it and she can do it, too! 🙂

      Have a fantastic weekend! 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  11. Good advice.

    We don’t have to be obvious, they always know.

    Our job is to bring them as much joy and happiness as we can. To let them know that just being with them makes us happy. To make sure there is laughter in their life, and that we share it with them.

    Laughter heals in a fundamental way. Not only her, but you as well. And, if the worst happens, memories of joy and laughter are better memories that those filled with tears and sadness.

    Look for peace, joy, happiness, laughter, and ways to be whole together.

    My thoughts are with you.

    Liked by 2 people

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